Living Large

The title could imply that I'm going to talk about the life of an overweight woman. But I'm not. Well, I AM overweight, but I wasn't really going to talk about it. I like to say I'm voluptuous. Rubenesque. Curvy.

*ahem*

Anyhoo.

Actually I was going to mention just how badly the whole trying to date in your late 30's/near 40's truly is. It sucks ass. Yes, I know this could have been avoided...I realize all that. However, this is real life...and this is where I'm at. Unfortunately I can't find someone at a church...because I'm not going to one right now. Even when I move closer to home, I will feel uncomfortable trying to find someone in church...mostly because most of the people I know, also know Bryson. Plus there is that fear of rejection because of my past. Sigh. It doesn't mean I don't have faith in God, it just means I don't have faith in God's people.

So, I tend to troll around all the cyber sites. I'm on Tagged, Match.com, Facebook, I was on Plenty of Fish but deleted my account...and when I'm not there, then it's the whole yahoo thing. So, let's see...I'm currently "chatting" with 7 or 8 men, of which maybe 2 are somewhat date-able...and then there is the whole distance thing as one is in Carthage, IL...and the other is in Africa. Heh. *shrugs* Needless to say I don't get taken out to dinner much.

The one thing I will say is that I have become a little more confidant in knowing what it is I'm looking for in a relationship. That is where I had things so wrong with Bryson. I thought everything would magically just work out between us...the whole happily ever after thing. Now I understand that there are characteristics in a man that I am looking for...and quite a few that I am not. I know that I want someone older than me...or more mature. I need some wisdom and wouldn't mind a little guidance...not a daddy, mind you, just someone who knows how to deal with my complex emotions. I know that I need someone who is strong enough to say 'no' to me and not back down when I start pouting, raging, whining, nagging...or any of those other beautiful things I tend to do when I don't get my way. I also know that I want someone who puts God above all things. I want to be a very close second, of course...but I know that God is the key to creating and growing into a strong relationship.

So..I know these things that I want. I just have to find them now. Or...wait for them to find me I suppose.

Currently Watching Matilda (Special Edition) By Kiami Davael, Embeth Davidtz, Pam Ferris, Gregory R. Goliath, Leor Livneh Hackel see related

Big Changes Afoot

I'm not quite used to this site being so new and blingy! It takes some getting used to.

So, I am back on board for moving closer to home again. For those of you whom may not know, this has been an argument inside my own head for over 4 months now. Move. Don't move. Move. Just stay put and grow some roots. Ah go ahead and move, you can grow roots then. Crap I hate moving. Moving means I can start over. Yeah. Trust me, it makes me crazier than I already am...and I certainly don't need any help with that.

Alas, I have decided that the 10 hours of my life and the $600 I lose while traveling on the road is enough to convince me to just get closer. That way I can still have some daylight hours at the end of the work day. PLUS, hopefully my social life will pick up a little. It's not such a bad thing to have people to hang out with on occasion, though I am learning to enjoy my solitude.

I also want an opportunity to be closer to my niece and nephew. They are the children in my life that I could totally dote on if I chose to. I have as yet, not chosen to do so, and I think that is really a shame. They are brilliant kids, and are alot of fun...plus they ADORE me! Who can say no to that???

I'm hoping this move will happen quickly. Knowing me, it will be a spontaneous thing that will be put under pressure with like 2 weeks to pack up my whole house...but that is how I do things. And I tend to like it that way! So...be looking for a new address soon...I do love to get cards and letters and gifts by post should anyone feel so inclined. Just let me know...I'll tell you where I live!!

Few and Far Between

What can I say but I tend to forget I have this blog!! Not to mention I still have 3 or 4 more, plus now I am on Facebook and Tagged (where gosh there are alot of men...and boys...wanting attention) and I haven't really been keeping up with my journaling anyway...but I digress.

Life is as always busy, unfocused, messy, dirty, naughty, sinful, and yet sometimes very wonderful all at the same time. I do realize that I am not going to be one of those Christians that lead a pure life. I want my heart to be pure...and truly my heart IS pure...it's just my damned FLESH that wears me out!! And I would be a complete liar if I didn't say so.

Chris asked me recently about Bryson and I and if there is any thought or consideration about us reconciling. I had to be honest with him and say that at this time...and probably any time to come, that we will not be getting back together as husband and wife. Now, that isn't to say that we don't talk on occasion, and still care for each other, but in this circumstance I just don't feel there is any going back. Mostly that is my decision...so there is that. I only mention this because Chris made me realize that this was such a far reaching thing that our friends were still waiting to see what was going to happen, and even as Bryson and I have moved on to an extent, no one else was able to because they were still back in Bryson/Ketra mode. I do understand, and I do remorsefully apologize for anyone that was made to feel that they had to choose "sides" or choose one family over another in all of this. I have carried the burden of shame and guilt for these last 3 or 4 years now, and am finally at a point where I can ask forgiveness from my peers as well as from my LORD.

So I suppose this is where I can bring up addictions. Addictions to people are obviously just as harmful as addictions to drugs or alcohol or porn. There were real emotions there, but there was A LOT of dysfunction too..obviously. Most people know that affairs don't work. Some people hope that they will. That's just the way of it, and that is about as honest as I can be. I think I'm putting this here for me more than for anyone reading, because I have had a difficult time forgiving myself for fucking everything up in my life and the life of many close friends...not to mention Bryson's, Aaron's and Amanda's...et al.

Anyhoo...that is my post for today. Things continue to look upward, as I continue to know the TRUTH but am still working on letting myself face it fully and embrace what God has for me. I would ask for prayers that my stubborn head and wounded heart would trust in Him. For ALL things.

Take care my friends,

Ketra

New Life

So what's up all? It's been so very long since I've been here, or since I've talked to any of you. How is everyone doing?

I myself have moved to Sherman, IL. Closer to work, farther away from the past...it's working out very well for me. I am enjoying being on my own, and feel as if I have a new lease on life. Bryson and I still talk and are still friends...he oddly enough comes to me with dating questions, heh...but it's all good.

I don't know if you all were aware that my dad passed away on Christmas this last year. I had moved back in with mom for a while to kind of be there for her, and she felt she was doing the same for me. We did that for six months and then came to the conclusion that we needed to get moving on our lives and dealing with the things we needed to deal with. She is doing very well actually. I think it's been harder on her the last few weeks since I've been gone, but she said she is doing better now. Just having the house to herself and going through Dad's things has taken it's toll.

I haven't found a new church down here, but there are quite a few to choose from. There is a Lutheran church right across the street from me, and a Methodist church around the corner...and a big Christian church not too far from me. I just have to get to the point that I can walk into a church and remember that no matter what I've done or been through, that only God has the right to judge, and that I shouldn't assume people judge me just because I haven't made my own peace with things yet.

Anyhoo...that's just a short update for now. I would love to hear from you all...I miss talking about church things and movies and music and kids...etc, etc. So don't be strangers!@! My cell # is the same...just in case you may still have it.

Take care...ta ta for now.

The Prodigal Daughter? eh...not exactly

Well it has been a very long time since I've been here...a very long time. Much has changed since I last wrote...some is still very much the same.

The most important and weighty news is that my father passed away on Christmas. It is an experience that has left me feeling equally sad and yet weirdly at peace at the same time. We had such a good Christmas morning and afternoon and evening...Dad got to talk to or see all of his kids, and was able to see his grandkids, and open presents, and see the apartment I WAS going to be moving into...as well as have his favorite dinner that his mother used to make for Chrismas. And then shortly after dinner, at the head of the table...he had a massive heart attack and died shortly after.

It's one of those moments where you can't really take in what's happening because it's such a shock...and doing CPR on your own father is a weird enough experience, so it took awhile to realize that he wasn't going to come out of this. We aren't sure if he died on the way to the hospital, or very shortly after he arrived at the hospital...I just know that while my brother and I were in the family waiting room I got a call from my mother asking where we were and saying that he was gone.

At this time I have done a little grieving...I'm not so good at it really...but I am also living with my mom for the time being...so I haven't really felt the necessity of mourning I guess. Mom and I have conversations almost every day about how dad really touched alot of lives, and did so much for the community, and even the fact that he wasn't always a great father or husband...but working through the healing together has been a tremendous experience.

There is also the moving forward in getting a divorce...which is still hard to bring up here, to you all...but is a fact of life right now. So why keep acting like things are better than they are?  Or just ignoring them altogether?

Spritually I am not completely sure where I'm at...other than I know I need to reconnect more fully with God, but also feel I'm not trying to hide from Him either. I have had many humbling experiences regarding my faith...or the fact that I haven't been living out my faith, and it has really done alot for my tolerance of other belief systems that aren't my own. My sister is a practicing Buddhist. I used to have so much disdain for her, thought, "oh dear...she is surely going to hell now." How judgemental and narrow-minded I was. She meditates and prays everyday while I continue on without any communication with God at all. She strives and works to become kinder and gentler and more compassionate, while I continue to harshly judge others...or even myself. I asked her to forgive me when she was back for Dad's funeral. To tell her and admit to her that I had such hard feelings towards her decision...and to admit and confess that as I was judging her I still wasn't even following my own path.  I hope that there has been some growth there...I feel as if I have grown some, even though it may not look like the typical "churchy" growth...but I think I have on a personal level.

Anyhoo...lots of things going on still...mom has been in and out of the hospital...we thought heart, and they did all the tests, and she does have a slight blockage, but she is doing okay now. Hmmm...there is more, but that can wait...the dog's barking and I have to shower and get this day started.